Hey kids! Wanna do your ol’ Uncle Sam a big honkin’ favor? Wanna serve the US empire like a good little lickspittle? Wanna help kill other people’s kids in far off lands for fun and profit?
You do?? Well bust my britches, that’s just swell!
It’s actually really easy. You don’t even need to be smart to do it — heck, it’s actually a whole lot easier if you’re not. Just shut off that pesky little lightbulb inside your noggin and listen up.
All you have to do to help ol’ Uncle Sam spark off them shiny lil’ Tomahawk missiles and incinerate those goofy foreigners for geostrategic control and Raytheon shareholder profits is this: just go around repeating the same stuff your buddies at the US State Department say about governments we don’t like.
That’s it! That’s all there is to it. It really is that simple.
Now I know you young ‘uns don’t do all your talkin’ to each other like us old timers do. You like to get on them newfangled apps and internets with your iPods and your talking dongle widgets and your fancy America Online CD-ROMs. And that’s just great! We need lots and lots of that stuff.
Just get on that there Tweeter machine and tell all your friends that Russia is real, real bad. Or maybe make one of them TikTak dances about how China wants to harvest everyone’s organs. Or heck, you can just share plain ‘ol online news articles about how bad the governments we don’t like are, since them outlets all say the same stuff we say anyhow.
Y’see kids, it’s like this: Before we launch missiles, we launch narratives. Before we drop bombs, we drop stories. Before we invade, we propagandize. We need to make sure everyone’s on our side before we can roll in their and kill those evil terrorists and babies and grandmas, otherwise we risk turnin’ everyone in America and our client states into a buncha stinkin’ anti-war hippies.
And we definitely can’t have none of that. If Americans decide they don’t like war they start making a big scene in front of everybody, holding protests and telling everyone really nasty stuff about your ol’ Uncle Sammy. Then before you know it we got us a real leftist revolutionary movement on our hands,