Op-Ed: The Exit Of 12,000 US Troops Is The Single Worst Event In German History


30-07-20 09:53:00,

Today’s Caitlin Johnstone essay has been replaced with a National News Conglomerate op-ed by General Hank Hammerfist. NNC: Obey.

The Trump administration has begun slashing the US military presence in Germany from an almost satisfactory 36,000 troops to a practically microscopic 24,000. I think we can all agree that this is the single worst thing that has ever happened in the history of Germany, and arguably the universe.

While most Americans were until now unaware that their government had that many troops in a nation known predominantly for beer and bleak documentaries, pundits and politicians in the know have been rightly proclaiming their outrage at this catastrophic event which disrupts God’s natural plan of endless military expansionism until the entire planet is an undifferentiated sea of camouflage fatigues and tiny American flag patches.

“Trump’s decision to withdraw US Forces from Germany shows a broad lack of strategic understanding. It sends the wrong signal to our adversaries and leaves our allies vulnerable in the face of increasing global threats. It’s simply unacceptable,” tweeted former National Security Advisor John Bolton, who as we all know is always correct about military matters.

Trump’s decision to withdraw US Forces from Germany shows a broad lack of strategic understanding. It sends the wrong signal to our adversaries and leaves our allies vulnerable in the face of increasing global threats. It’s simply unacceptable https://t.co/5J0hyFnoMi

— John Bolton (@AmbJohnBolton) July 29, 2020

“Did Trump give Putin a heads up on the removal of 12,000 US troops from Germany? Was there an implication it was a kind of down payment for election help, a taste of what could follow in a second term?” asks super smart foreign policy expert Bill Kristol.

“US to withdraw nearly 12,000 troops from Germany in move that will cost billions and take years,” warns a CNN headline that is both helpful and totally sane.

NPR’s national security correspondent David Welna informs us that the move is “a slap at a longtime ally frequently reviled by President Trump.”

“There’s no strategy behind the decision to withdraw U.S. troops from Germany,” says Slate foreign policy pundit Fred Kaplan.

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Op-Ed: Stop Revolting, You Insolent Peons


25-02-20 09:57:00,

Today’s Caitlin Johnstone essay has been replaced with an op-ed by Snooty McCentrist of the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.

Oh my God, stop this. Just stop. I’ve had it up to here with you insolent peasants and your would-be revolution. Stop this nonsense immediately before something happens that we both regret.

My fellow commentariat and I have been patiently richsplaining over and over to you ungrateful street urchins that basic social programs are bad and limitless military expansionism is good, and the only reason you think otherwise is because of Kremlin propaganda. You don’t want Bernie Sanders and a working healthcare system; that’s just what Vladimir Putin wants you to think. You want the same thing every American wants: a robust national security state.

Do you Bernie Bros want to give Putin what he wants? Do you? Do you love Putin or something? You know who else loved Putin? Hitler.

My friends and I were just talking about this down at the club, and we all agreed that you unwashed riff raff have been getting completely out of hand all around the world. Did you know the demonstrations outside the Julian Assange extradition trial yesterday were so loud that the people in the courtroom had trouble hearing the proceedings? We’re trying to extradite an unruly leak publisher to the Eastern District of Virginia, and you uppity commoners made it almost impossible to maintain our erections.

We’ve had an established system that’s been working fine for generations thank you very much, and we don’t need the rabble grabbing at the steering wheel with their chicken-greased fingers. We’ve got it all sorted out: we get to run things and tell you how to think, and you get to turn the gears for most of your waking life. In your free time you get to do the things you plebeians enjoy: rolling around in the dirt, watching monster truck wrestling, eating fast food at McDenny’s, and wearing tea-shirts. Everyone wins.

But that’s not good enough for you greedy peons, is it? No, you want free education, because, what? You can’t just swallow your pride and go to Yale? You want free healthcare because Mummy and Daddy’s plan isn’t good enough for you?

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